Tuesday, February 12, 2008

My Mexican Vacation

Current mood: festive

I've always been a big fan of the Aztecs. I heard once that Cort├ęs wrote in one of his letters that his soldiers had captured an Aztec who was getting ready to have a roasted baby for breakfast, and I've been hooked ever since. But a delight swept over me when I saw a story in The Desert Sun that was unmatched by my wildest infant sacrificing dreams. Apparently in Mexico City they found the remains of a small child sacrificed to the war god, Huitzilopochtli. Sweet! Of course I dropped everything I was doing, bought a plane ticket and, hot sauce in hand, ran out here to suck the salsa enriched marrow, out of the bones of a 500 year old mexican baby's skeleton. At least I intended to. With all the press this thing is getting, I couldn't even get close enough to cop a lick off the tibia, let alone run off with the whole tasty thing. Anyway, after a change of attire and autographing some Monsters Inc. memorabilia for a Tijuana cabbie with one kid too many, here I am. This temple isn't anywhere on the map so I figure it's out of the way enough to do my thing and give it up to my main god, Huitzilopochtli!!! You rule Poch. I'm gonna chow down on this enormous 'Jesus Alberto' taco just for you. Now where's my hot sauce?

At the Oscars, rubbing elbows and nibbling knees


Keeping & Eating Leftovers


Current mood: Relaxed, relieved & reclining

It goes without saying that eating babies is not always easy. Finding fresh baby for your recipes can sometimes take hours at a time, like when there is a school trip to the aquarium, and the kindergarten classrooms are all empty (anyone who's ever opened their fridge only to find that it's empty can feel me on that one); or when there is a new security guard at the hospital who wants to know why I'm entering the maternity ward with a knife and fork, and a jar of yellow mustard. These are very frightening, but very real circumstances. Speaking for myself, I am aware that by not swallowing any baby flesh over a period of 2 hours or so, I could very well die of starvation. That is why I always freeze my leftovers, for easy consumption when it seems I may not find a live baby in the near future.

Brian was delicious the first time, but what can beat the convenience of walking less that 30 feet to the kitchen, pushing the REHEAT button on the microwave, and in a few short minutes slurping up some piping hot, chili-cheese, baby brain with out so much as walking outside?

Not much, friend. Not much.

At my favorite French restaurant


Current mood: ebullient


Right now I'm at my favorite French restaurant Les Enfants Savoureux. The best french cuisine within a 2 block radius of my house, hands down. The head chef, Pierre, lets me come into the kitchen now and again to get a look at what he's preparing. Mmmm. Tiffany Carlson you sure look delectable. The smell of roasted baby meat wafting through the air makes me want to sing. When I threaten to sing sometimes Pierre gives me a little sample taste just to shut me up. Dan Aykroyd did the same thing on the set of Blues Brothers 2000.


Mmmmm. TASTY!! (See, I'm no dummy.) Tiffany Carlson you ARE delicious. I hear your parents are big fans. Maybe I should go thank them with 3 crisp hundred dollar bills or give them an autograph or something. Anyway, time to get eatin'. PEACE OUT.

Recipe for "Baby Soup"


Current mood: inspired


3/4 clove garlic (crushed)
1 pint Olive Oil
1 rambunctious, blue-eyed two year old named Nathan
1 cup dried white Navy beans
1 large tomato
2 cans "Uncle Skinny's Original" authentic baby bathwater or condensed chicken broth
2 zucchini (sliced)
4 sticks butter
1/2 bag Dum-Dum's lolipops
Salt and pepper to taste
---

Day before: In bowl cover beans with cold water. Refrigerate, covered, overnight. Next Day: Drain.

Pick up Nathan from daycare.

Pour into 8-quart kettle with two quarts of water, the olive oil, butter and 2 cans "Uncle Skinny's Original" authentic baby bathwater. Bring to rolling boil. Reduce heat. Simmer covered.

Meanwhile: Crush garlic and tomatoes in seperate bowls. (You can have Nathan do this. He will think it is a game.) Slice zucchini.

Add garlic, tomato, beans and zucchini.

Add the Nathan by offering Dum-Dum lollipops as a prize for taking a bath. Make sure Nathan is watching. Show bag of lollys, then empty contents into kettle. (Some recipes call for preparing a trail of lollys leading to the boiling kettle, in case Nathan is hesitant.)

Cook slowly, covered, stirring occasionally for 30 minutes.

Salt and pepper to taste.

Enjoy!!

Serves 12 normal sized people or 1 John Goodman.

"Herschberg Baby" Tartare

Current mood: Still hungry

Jessica Laurel Herschberg (above) was one delish baby. This little spitfire sure did fight back!! I love the feeling of those razor sharp baby toenails tickling my uvula. It amuses me. It brings joy to my souless, black eyes. I'm still hungry though... it never stops. There's always the hunger...